English: Logo of Ikea. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In a further attempt to civilize an uncivilized fat population by discouraging acts of street violence and terrorism, the British Government, having withdrawn its support from the EU Human Rights Act intends reintroducing the DEATH penalty sooner rather than later.
On the table for consideration is a lethal injection of potassium cyanide, hanging, firing squad, death by electrocution and a live manhunt. ITV and Channel 5 are expected to enter into a bidding war over who gets to televise this form of NATURAL justice. Further, both companies have promised to keep the ad breaks to a minimum. No one wants a repeat fiasco of ITV showing Formula One only to cut to adverts at the most thrilling time of the race.
And no one will miss Slocombe the CANNIBAL of Reeds Avenue, Hendon, London, NW4, who lured to his home, killed and ate eleven of his neighbours over an eighteen month period. Despite the fact that his neighbourhood steadily grew quieter and quieter, no one suspected that George Slocombe was having people over for dinner. It was only when he attended Barnet ‘A & E’ with part of a human shin bone stick in his throat that suspicions were raised. Immediately the forces of ‘law and disorder’ sprang into action. After a thorough search of Slocombe’s home, police discovered amongst other things, thirty-eight empty bottles of Gaviscon for the treatment of antacid and two years worth of receipts from his local Summerfield supermarket. Apparently all the man ever bought were herbs, oh and gravy granules. Discovered too was a manuscript. Entitled ‘Come Dine With Me,’ it was supposed to be a guide to Cannibal gastronomy, and indeed, as it turned out, it was. A publishing sensation, copies simply flew off the shelves along with fresh tarragon, rosemary and thyme.
In his original defence the accused stated that he was a serial dieter. Portly Lord Justice Richardson sitting in Old Bailey 1 asked the cannibal which diet he considered to be most effective. Slocombe replied, “Why the Atkins diet of course!”
There are rumours too that after a gap of sixty years, public BIRCHING may soon be re-introduced. The Government has already asked for tenders from companies wishing to provide the birching tables. IKEA has no wish to be associated with this form of barbaric corporal punishment, but Wicks DIY isn’t so squeamish. ‘It’s definitely got our name on it!’ said a Company spokesperson.
Unsure of the public’s reaction to the re-introduction of birching, major sponsors are quite understandably reticent to get involved. However ‘Breslaw’s Hemorrhoid Cream’ jumped at the opportunity, but quite how anal fissures can result from back-birching has yet to be satisfactorily explained.
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