ARE YOU COMFORTABLE IN YOUR SKIN?

Cover of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Forget BOTOX! Scientists at the Singapore company Scéil discovered how to freeze adult skin cells so they don’t age. They can then be changed into stem cells and used later in life for rejuvenating surgery. And the price for eternal youth, £40,000! The pioneering technique will be available as a cosmetic procedure from today, although researchers hope the technology could also be used to help disfigured or injured patients.

Who will be clamouring to pay £40,000? Why the rich and famous of course, and while still in their full flush of youth! The procedure involves skin and blood samples being taken from clients and stored to make a ‘back-up’ version of their cells frozen at their current age. These are stored at minus 180C and copies are stored at three ‘banks’ in Singapore, Dubai and Switzerland to ensure there is always a back-up. When required, the sample cells are manipulated to become stem cells that can be grown into any type of body tissue.

So if you are rich and vain, or you live your life in front of the camera, go for it I say, for one day in the not too distant future your skin may be wafer thin, or shrivelled. F**k it, go for it, banished those wrinkly ass cheeks, after all, image is everything when you are a celebrity. Instead of having to hide in the shadows, why you might even be able to extend your career under the spotlight inf**kingdefinitely! Never forget though, beauty IS only skin deep. You might look like Dorian Grey on the outside, but beneath the dermis your organs will continue to age just like the rest of ours. Still, you will be the best looking corpse in the graveyard!

LIFE JACKETS ON PLEASE…ICEBERG ON THE MOVE!

Antarctica, iceberg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A huge iceberg, the size of Singapore has broken away from Antarctica looking for a warmer climate!  B-31, measures 21 miles by 12 miles, and is now in Pine Island Bay, off the southern tip of Chile. Fears of the iceberg entering shipping lanes are not unfounded, for using the latest technology, including satellite navigation and an outboard motor for steering by remote control, B-31 has already been claimed by Japanese clean drinking water company Yokohama Pure, that intends to get the berg into Japanese waters before breaking it up, melting it and selling the 100,000 years old ‘pure as driven snow’ berg at £40:00 a bottle! Unfortunately Canadian drinks company Canadian Extra Dry is also laying claim to the iceberg and has already landed a crew on it and planted a flag! Determined to beat the Japs, the Canadians are playing hard ball. They’ve employed Sir Ben Ainslie, Britain’s greatest ever Olympic yachtsman and the 2013 America’s Cup winner to get the berg into Canadian waters! Meanwhile at the other end of the iceberg, a Norwegian science team that has been camped there for over a year, doesn’t know what hell is going on! So if you’re a captain of a ship and you happen to see a fucking great iceberg veering from left to right…get out of the bloody way! Shareholders of both Yokohama Pure and Canadian Extra Dry are holding their nerve until the very last minute before buying more shares, or selling all  they’ve got! Meanwhile, ears remain glued to the BBC Radio 4 shipping news updates. If you are a shareholder in either of the above named drinks companies, well, I suggest you do the same!

CHOCOHOLICS UNITE!

A chocolate bar and melted chocolate. Chocolate is made from the cocoa bean, which is a natural source of theobromine. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Unlike some of you, I don’t pay chocolate just LIP service. Oh no, my homage goes far deeper. To me chocolate is a religion, and as such I will eat it morning, noon and night, before, during and after a meal. Why I even have a shrine to the cocoa bean in the corner of my spare bedroom. Huh, and you say you’re a chocoholic! Why I’ve even been known to incorporate it IN the meal itself. Why I was pouring chocolate over my venison long before it came back into fashion to do so, but unlike you amateur gastronomes, I didn’t incorporate chocolate in the jus (gravy)…chocolate WAS the bloody jus…melted in a bowl and poured straight over the meat. Try melted chocolate and cherries over duck. Ooh I say vicar!

I once split up with a girlfriend when I discovered that she didn’t like chocolate. ‘You can’t be serious,’ I hear you say, oh but I am! I couldn’t possibly date someone who was more savoury than sweet! Relationships are all about balance, don’t you think? I split up with another girlfriend because she ate too MUCH of MY chocolate. Why only last week I bought two boxes of Lindt ‘Lindor Truffles’, one milk chocolate and one plain. Now I’m not completely insane…obviously devouring chocolate doesn’t offer quite the same exalted experience as say making love to a beautiful woman, but I tell you what, it’s better than masturbation! And do you know what the best news is…my cholesterol level is below normal and I don’t suffer from diabetes. Life is sweet, chocolate sweet! Now come on, envy doesn’t become you!