7-FOOT POLES!

Jew street (Photo credit: JP..)

Jimmy and I were propping up the bar in our local tavern. We were both on our fourth pints when he turned to me and said, “Ere, David, have you heard about those 7-foot poles?

“What 7-foot poles,” I said.

“The ones coming here!”

“To the village?”

“Yup.”

“Blimey Jimmy,” I said. “What do you think they eat that makes them grow so tall?”

“Errh…what ARE you on about? David, I’m talking about them JEWISH poles!”

“Sorry Jimbo, I’m not with you?”

“ERUV poles!”

“Oh right…what are they then?”

“Christ, David, you’re the worst JEW I’ve ever met!” I took that as a compliment, although it wasn’t meant as one. “ERUV poles, you bastard! Poles with wire attached to them that follow a specific route that allow orthodox Jews to walk out on the Sabbath.”

“Walk out on the Sabbath?”

“Yeah, you know…carry keys, wallets, mobile phones…push pushchairs, wheelchairs…that kind of thing!”

“Oh I see,” I replied. “Well what about it Jimmy?”

“People are complaining.”

“What people,” I asked.

“People who ain’t Jewish…people who don’t want to see the village turned into a gateaux.”

“That’s GHETTO,” I replied, correcting him. “Anyways, have any other Jewish enclaves got the poles yet?”

“Apparently so…they’re everywhere! First one went up in Finchley in 2002.”

“Jimmy, one wonders how Jews managed to practice their religion before 2002? You know what I reckon!”

“And what’s that David?”

“Jimmy, it gotta be down to the mobile phone. Jews want to be able to make and receive calls on the Sabbath. It’s another case of religion by convenience.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Ere, you know what we should do…ELECTROCUTE them!”

“What, the JEWS Jimmy?”

“Nah…the poles. The first dog that cocks his leg on a pole will cause the metal wire to melt!”

“And you seriously think that’s gonna affect cellular phone reception?”

“David, you’re IMPOSSIBLE!” 

“Jimmy, never mind me being impossible, did you hear about Sarah Cohen?”

“The rich bird who lives alone at number…”

“Twenty-six!”

 

“Well what about her,” Jimmy asked.

“Well I heard she blew the chauffeur!”

“David, you ignoramus…it’s the SHOFAR, and even as a non-Jew I know she shouldn’t of done  that!”

“Jimmy, I actually meant the CHAUFFEUR. Mind you, I suppose one ram’s horn is as good as another!”

HAIR TODAY…EVEN MORE HAIR TOMORROW!

Chewie as shown in Star Wars (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bearing in mind the camera puts on ten pounds due to the fact that a 2-D lens is photographing a 3-D image, women in the limelight must continually diet in order to stay well below their recommended weight. Are their no lengths a woman will not go to in order to appeal to a member of the opposite sex? I hear certain fashion-conscious women will go to extreme lengths to replicate their icon’s public image; Breast implants, chin implants, nose-jobs, liposuction, buttock implants etc. Apparently the latest craze for is the ‘Scouse brow’, or thicker eyebrows.

Women the length and breadth of the nation are throwing away their trusty tweezers and running off to plastic surgeons ready to pay £3000 PER SIDE to thicken out their eyebrows. Everyone wants to look like Cara Delevingne, Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley. So, appearing NORMAL is back in. Secretly I hope the latest fashion for the Scouse brow doesn’t morph towards a single eyebrow, for its difficult to read a girlfriend’s mood as it is!

I once met and bedded one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. In the morning her make-up coated the pillow and I had woken up beside someone who reminded me of an extra on the set of ‘Dawn of the Dead.’ Thankfully money had not changed hands, otherwise I have demanded a refund under Section 6 of The Trades Description Act.

Were you to be ship-wrecked on a deserted island with one of the world’s most beautiful supermodels, after three months what might she look like? Perhaps Chewbacca the Wookie from ‘Star Wars.‘  Hair on the head= a must, pelmet hair= acceptable, hair anywhere else= unacceptable! Christ, some men can be so sexist. I’m just glad I’m not!

WHAT WOULD YOU ‘PRINT’ WITH A 3-D PRINTER?

A gun, a pizza, a component for your train set, or a new set of teeth perhaps? Well, I am a man with particular needs, and what I would print with a 3-D printer would be a 4-D printer, which I would use to print myself the perfect partner…my soul mate in fact! She will be 5 -10, hair…oh most definitely hair! Colour? Actually I don’t mind what colour. Eyes…one green, the other blue. Breasts? Err, two of them. Any more than two and I might be thought of as greedy. Bikini body is a given! Must be more intelligent than me. Good in bed, and in the kitchen. Boy, that’ll be a first! She must be able to take instruction, err, and reject it. Christ, I’m not after a robot! Now how to make her fall in love with me? I think I’ll need a 5-D printer for that! Note to self…don’t forget to print a colon! But first things first…I must remember to change my energy supplier. Those printers cost a f**king fortune to run!

NEARLY 1% OF WOMEN BELIEVE THEY’VE HAD A VIRGIN BIRTH!

University of North Carolina at Asheville (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now that really is virgin on the ridiculous!

Researchers from the University of North Carolina interviewed 7,870 women aged 15 to 28 and found that more than 0.5 per cent of them who said they were virgins had also given birth, and without resorting to IVF. The women were part of the long-running National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health.

The girls were 12 to 18 years old when they entered the study in the 1994-95 school year and were interviewed periodically about their health and social/sexual behaviour over 14 years. Based on interviews with the women, 45 of the  5,340 pregnancies in this group through the years occurred in women who reported that they conceived without a man being involved. The average age at which ‘virgins’ reportedly gave birth was 19.3 years.

Now I don’t want to appear in any way sexist, but since we must all realise virgin births cannot take place, is it at all possible that the women involved in the study who claim to have had experienced immaculate conceptions had in fact consumed more than the recommended amount of alcohol and forgotten that they had slept with someone? Or perhaps the sex was so unremarkable the women merely expunged the events from their minds?

Updated: 19/01/14.

The 31-year-old nun who lives at the ‘Little Disciples of Jesus’ convent near the Italian city of Rieti was rushed to hospital after complaining of severe stomach pains. She gave birth to a baby boy and claims she was ‘unaware’ she was pregnant. So, acute labour pains were followed by a cute baby who is to be called Francesco. Will this be yet another immaculate conception, we will wait and see!

 

Please…no hate mail!

WISH ME LUCK…I’M GOING CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!

English: IDF stun grenade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That’s right my friends, tomorrow is the day I venture forth, determined to do all my festive food and presents shopping in one mighty go! London’s draconian parking restrictions prevent me shopping anywhere other than in shopping malls. But don’t worry, I’ll be taking massive precautions so as not to be interfered with by ditherers and those individuals who attempt to bar my way with floodlit Zimmer frames! Armed with two…yes, two 150,000 stun guns, stun grenades, smoke grenades and a loud hailer, I don’t imagine I will have any problem filling my shopping cart. “Oy you bastard…that turkey’s got my name on it!” Christ all mighty…”Sorry Father, I didn’t recognise you without your dog collar! Huh, what’s that you say…you wanna borrow a stun grenade?”

JESUS WAS WHITE!

Fox News Channel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Fox News host Megyn Kelly caused controversy by declaring that not only is fictional character Santa Claus white, but Jesus Christ is too, and according to her, it is verifiable! I think Ms Kelly forgets that no definitive physical description exits of Jesus. Is the lady going to deny he was a Jew too? Unless the Christ wore factor 50 sunscreen his entire 33 years of life, he was undoubtedly dark-skinned. I do wonder what the lady has to say about the origins of Mary Poppins? If ignorance is truly bliss, then Megyn Kelly must be very happy!

POPE FRANCIS…’TOP OF THE POPS’ ON FACEBOOK!

St. Peter’s Basilica at Early Morning (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks in part to the Vatican’s public relations guru Greg Burke, Pope Francis aka Jorge Mario Bergogliohas taken the world by storm since his ascendancy to the papacy. Social media sites are abuzz with his name, for Pope Francis tops the list of what Facebook’s 1.2 billion users are talking about worldwide. Why he even beat Nelson Mandela and Miley Cyrus! Furthermore, a survey by Twiplomacy named Pope Francis the most influential world leader on Twitter. The Pontiff’s, @Pontifex account gets an average of 8,200 retweets for every English tweet. Without doubt, Pope Francis is the most-talked about person of the year online. “To proclaim Christ in the digital era is a special field for the work of the young,” said the Pope. The Pontiff may well be redefining religion by reaching Christians who may have been hitherto unreachable? Not wishing to sound too much of a cynic, its easy to be an armchair Christian paying lip-service to Catholicism. I do wonder how many of the Pope’s online followers live…or will live the life he advocates? Popularity means nothing if it doesn’t lead to something significant! I further wonder what the Christ would have made of the social media phenomena? He might say, “Get out there and do as I did…make a personal sacrifice for the benefit of another!”

ENGLAND’S CHANCES IN THE 2014 BRAZILIAN WORLD CUP!

English: FIFA World Cup Trophy Italiano: Trofeo Coppa del Mondo FIFA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

England’s footballers will get jabs for rabies and yellow fever before they play their first game of the World Cup in Brazil against Italy next year. Roy Hodgson’s players were advised to get immunised against a whole host of tropical diseases by the FA’s medical department in the run up to the tournament. Apparently Brazil is one of the world’s biggest disease hotspots! Ten people have died of Rabies since 2010 after they were bitten by dogs, vampire bats and marmoset monkeys. England players will need to get injections to protect against rabies, yellow fever, typhoid, diphtheria, and hepatitis A. And as an added precaution the players will also be expected to take anti-malaria tablets during the tournament, and must take mosquito nets with them. Bearing in mind it is generally accepted the England team hasn’t a hope in hell of lifting the World Cup trophy, should we put our boys through it? Better the players should stay at home and watch the soccer on the telly. Christ, if they went, some of the players might even experience a bad hair day!

 

 

I’M A ‘CELEBRITY’…DON’T LET ME OUTTA HERE WITHOUT A DISCOUNT!

Royal Monogram of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Christ, I didn’t recognise her. Now I’ve lost a month’s worth of sales or a glowing celebrity endorsement.” This is precisely what happened to watersports store owner Dave Buckland, who failed to recognise the Duchess of Cambridge when she went in to his shop to buy a wetsuit last year. Not to worry, help is at hand!

New technology allows retailors to spot a celebrity approaching, giving you ample time to start fawning! A purpose-built facial-recognition system has been designed to ensure no hapless shop assistant accidentally snubs their best customer again. The VIP-identification technology, created by NEC IT Solutions of Cambridge, believe it could help provide a personalised service and improve customer service.

The company already supplies software to help security services spot terrorists and other criminals, so celebrity watch is a natural progression! It works by analysing footage of customers’ faces as they walk through the door. Various measurements of the face are taken to create a numerical code, known as a ‘face template,’ which is checked against a database of clients. An alert is sent to staff via computer, iPad or smartphone, providing details that might include their names, dress size, favourite room or previous spending. Apparently the recognition system cannot be fooled by disguises such as sunglasses, hats and scarves. Nor is it put-off by things like facial hair, weight gains or natural aging.

Of course there is a down side…for the celebrity, or someone who ‘thinks’ he or she is a celebrity. If your career is on the slide, and the facial recognition system doesn’t actually recognise you, perhaps you must face up to the fact that you are NO LONGER a celebrity! Contact your agent immediately!

SEAL BAN!

Kissed by a Rose – (rotated) (Photo credit: Amitabh T)

The World Trade Organisation has ruled that the EU can ban the import and sale of seal products for ‘moral’ reasons. Well I think that’s a bit harsh! I don’t know what the man’s political views are, but surely they can’t be so extreme and offensive to lead the EU to ban his records? I think Seal is an amazing recording artist! Why, his 1994 recording of ‘Kiss from a Rose’ remains one of the finest recordings I have ever heard! For Christ sake, give the man a break!

MY AUNTIE SHIRLEY ‘ENJOYS’ ILL-HEALTH!

Cover of Road House (+ Widescreen DVD) [Blu-ray]

Yes, that’s what I said! Auntie Shirley has been ill…roughly since 1971. She’s even had two write-ups in The British medical Journal, and a brief mention in The Lancet. Auntie has had more exploratory operations than bore holes in Texas! Christ, syndromes have been named after her! I don’t actually know what’s been wrong with the woman…nobody does, however on the rare occasions I visit Shirley, I make a mental note never, never to use the word…hypochondria for fear she will cut me out of her will.

Did you ever see ‘Road House’ starring the late Patrick Swayze? Do you remember the scene where, as James Dalton, he takes himself off to hospital to get stapled back together by the gorgeous Kelly Lynch (Dr Elizabeth Clay)? Swayze’s character…for the sake of efficiency carried with him a file containing his full medical history. Auntie Shirley keeps her entire medical history in a similar file, however, hers is leather-bound! If you ever happen to bump into Shirley, don’t ask her how she’s feeling, or you’ll lose a month of your life! If ever my aunt was to die in mysterious circumstances, I expect she will have left instructions that her autopsy should take a year and a day!

THE NOT SO HEALTHY DIET!

English: Picture with some basic macrobiotic ingredients: (from left to right, 1st line) tofu, wheat miso, bancha tea, umeboshi prumes (from left to right, 2nd line) brown rice, sea salt, nori (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jenny, a friend of mine, is raving about her new diet. It is the macrobiotic diet, in which you cut out all processed food. Jenny chews each mouthful 50 times, as was suggested to her. Christ, even a cow doesn’t chew a mouthful of grass 50 times! “So how’s it going,” I said. Jenny replied, “Great, I’ve lost loads of weight, but the only thing is, I get this terrible desire to self-harm!”

SMOKING BAN IN UK PRISONS!

Her Majesty’s Prison Service (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Get ready for riots up and down the Britain! Smoking is set to be banned in all prisons in England and Wales, sparking fears inmates may riot when they are forbidden from lighting up. Christ, lags won’t even be permitted to smoke in exercise yards! Never mind, at least they’ll be offered complimentary nicotine patches to help satisfy their cravings. Naturally there will be a pilot project next spring, and once the Prison Service realises its folly, the blanket implementation of the ban will no doubt, be abandoned! Fights for no reason, stabbing, property damage…lest we forget, nicotine is a narcotic! Figures show about 80% of the 84,300 inmates smoke and tobacco is a valuable currency that is traded on the wings.

But why a ban? There are fears that the Prison Service could face compensation claims from officers who claim that they are victims of passive smoking. One thing is for certain, try imposing a tobacco ban at open prisons, and the already over-stretched police will hunting hundreds of absconders!

DON’T PLAY WITH MATCHES, BECAUSE THERE’S NO ONE TO PUT OUT THE FIRE!

English: Official logo for the World Police & Fire Games (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The so-called ‘civilized’ Developed World is rapidly becoming UNcivilized, while people in some parts of Under-developed Third World countries are shouldering their AK-47s while trying their hands at tea, cucumber sandwiches and bite-size pastries! Christ, there’s even a mini-cab firm in Timbuktu, although quite where you might wish to go I don’t quite know? Personally, I’d like to live in Canada!

The West is suffering from riots, terrorist aggression as well as urban and forest fires, but where have all the police officers and firefighters gone? I’ll tell you where they are, at the ‘WORLD POLICE and FIRE GAMES’ in BELFAST, Ireland, where they are competing in football matches, boxing matches, beach volleyball and an ‘ultimate firefighter’ contest, whatever that is! So if your nether regions catch fire, be prepared to put them out yourself. Meanwhile, one of the football matches was called off after a number of MARBELLA police competitors were sent off for ‘continued inappropriate behaviour.‘ It’s comforting to know that ‘publicly funded’ community servants are enjoying themselves while the rest of us are catches ourselves alight when we’re not being mugged!

FAKE INTERNET DATING FIRMS!

Internet Dating Superstuds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some Internet DATING firms are using the details of real people without their permission in order to create FAKE PROFILES with the sole purpose of enticing the lonely among us to seek love. Even celebrity data has been high-jacked! Furthermore, some matchmaking sites are buying the personal data of members of the public in order to artificially boost the number of people who appear to be using their services. Even though some companies are so obviously in breach of the UK’s Data Protection Law, I kinda sympathise with them. The online dating industry is worth a staggering £2.5billion a year worldwide, and there are roughly 1,500 online dating sites in the UK alone. Finding love/a compatible mate is BIG business! Christ, you can hardly go on any site these days without seeing a pop-up ad for one or other dating site. Why there are even dating sites for PETS! My nephew found his future wife on one of these sites, and the couple are very happy. Come on, obviously I meant a site for humans!

Yes of course I’ve tried Internet dating, and yes of course I’ve…well, lied about my height, weight, age, and just about everything else! Mentioning my family tree, I in no uncertain terms made it clear that I was directly related to that famous Roman General, Cassius Gluteus Maximus. In order to make myself sound enigmatic and thus interesting, I would state I was once embroiled in a murder…or two. “Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, I will have my revenge in this life or the next. Buy the way, do you like Chinese?”