DO YOU HAVE AN ‘UNHEALTHY’ RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SMARTPHONE?

Nomophobia (Photo credit: Foomandoonian)

What is ‘your’ greatest fear? Is it drowning at sea…crashing in an aeroplane…being buried alive in a collapsed building…dying on the operating table…being blown up in a terrorist outrage…never getting married…catching the AIDS virus…never having children…losing a limb, or two…dying from cancer…being the victim of rape or identity theft…losing your sight, or perhaps being unable to experience an orgasm? Would you be surprised to learn that OUR biggest fear is NOMOPHOBIA…the fear of being separated from out CELL PHONES! Preposterous, but true, according to a recent survey. It gets worse! There is even a ‘MOBILE PHONE ANXIETY ADVICE CENTRE’...nomophobia.com!

iPhone 6! Thousands of desperate shoppers recently queued outside the Apple store in Covent Garden, central London, hoping to get their hands on the new iPhone 6. By the anxious looks on their faces, you would have been forgiven for thinking they were queuing for the Ebola antidote! Meanwhile, the queue outside the Manhattan Apple store stretched 12 city blocks! The first iPhone sold was to one Dave Rahami, who despite the fact he ‘s reserved one, flew to Sydney, Australia to get his texting fingers on a smartphone!

A ‘not so’ magnificent obsession! Would you ever admit to being obsessed with your cell phone? Is it is never more than inches away from your fingertips? Has the gizmo become an extension of your personality?  Does your relationship with a smartphone rivals any relationship with a friend, relative, boyfriend, girlfriend? If you have answered ‘yes’ to the four questions posed, then may I humbly suggest you’re in t.r.o.u.b.l.e? Weaning yourself off its use must be as difficult as a cokehead passing up the opportunity to snort! Have you thought of trying the NoPhone, which is a completely tech-free lump of plastic that isn’t even as useful as a dildo! Perhaps if the inventor incorporated liquorice in its manufacture, we could at least lick the surrogate smartphone when we’re feeling anxious or vulnerable?

WiFi Heaven! Apparently even GOD has gone digital! Apps and social media are causing a ‘digital shift’ and changing the way that people worship, new research has revealed. Christian scripture app Bible, from YouVersion, recently surpassed 100 million downloads in the App Store, placing it on equal grounds with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in number of users. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised that in say 500 years, children will be taught that the ten commandments came down from Mount Sinai in digital form on an iPad!

Paper is so last century! As more religions embrace digitization, there are now apps available including iQuran, iTorah and Book of Mormon. There is also a Buddhist Meditation Trainer, and JewGlass to translate Hebrew and find synagogues. Earlier in the year the Vatican unveiled MISSIO, the just-for-Catholics app that updates users with homilies, videos and other Catholic related news. Why even Pope Francis has Twitter account, which has several hundred thousand followers.

Once upon a time, the telephone was merely used to make and receive phone calls. Wow, how times have changed! See you, wouldn’t want to be you!!

PHONE ME…WE’LL DO SEX!

English: Arianna Huffington attending the premiere of The Union at the 2011 Tribeca Film Festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the results of research commissioned by the Huffington Post and online magazine Real Simple, nearly half of all women would rather go a month with no sex than be without their phones for the same amount of time. But surely, with the facilities now available on smartphones, women needn’t go without either? According to an ex-girlfriend of mine, “If a woman can’t bring herself to orgasm using her vibraphone, then her vagina should be on life support!” Yes, that’s right…I was indeed replaced by technology, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time. We should all know our limitations, and I certainly know mine. Denise complained I made love like an android, so she went straight out and bought a smartphone with an Android operating system. How fair was that?

I SHIT YOU NOT!

Rainbow of chemicals (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TERRORISTS…before you flush your toilet, think once, and then once again! Swedish scientists working at the Swedish Defence Research Agency (FOI), have developed sensors that can be fitted inside waste tunnels and used to detect bomb making chemicals in raw sewage. If suspect chemicals are detected, the sensor alerts the authorities who can carry out infrared laser ‘sweeps’ above ground using mobile units to locate the precise location of the bomb-making factory. The system is called EMPHASIS, which stands for Explosive Material Production  Hidden Agile Search and Intelligence System.

So, if a bomb-maker flushes chemicals down the  toilet, or the chemicals from bomb making are ingested into a person’s blood  stream and ultimately enter their urine or poo, these chemicals will pass through the sensors leading to your piss and poo giving away your precise location. Huh, brings new meaning to the word…floater, doesn’t it! I suspect terrorist bomb makers of the future will be wearing catheter bags and nappies!

 

 

 

 

SOCIAL MEDIA UNDER THE MICROSCOPE!

Twitter (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“I’ve made so many new friends on Facebook and Twitter!” Isn’t that what people say? Surely a friend is someone we make physical contact with? Those we communicate with but never meet…well, aren’t they merely cyberspace acquaintances? On the other hand, for those of us who find it difficult to get out and meet people, social media is a lifeline, is it not? Particularly for reclusive individuals. Again, communicating initially with strangers via the Internet precludes us from prejudging people based on looks. I think the important thing to remember is, there is a whole world out there, and it is at our fingertips. Just be careful what you reveal about yourself until you are as certain as you can be that the acquaintance is now a friend. Let common sense rule, and if you haven’t got any, buy it off Amazon!

INTERNET DATING FOR R.O.B.O.T.S. (long post)

Greetings and salutations to everybody in cyberspace! Having only recently registered on the web site INTERNET DATING FOR ROBOTS.COM on the World Wide Web I am looking forward to meeting a like-minded machine for the purpose of bondage…BONDING.

Allow me to properly introduce myself. I am a fully functioning and autonomous A600 FABULOUS series domestic robot built by Figitsu/Audi Industries. Enhanced by Nanny…NANO technology…I do beg your pardon, my designation is Gary. Now the family who lease me go by the name of Turtle, so for the duration of the leasing contract that makes me Gary Turtle. At the end of the leasing arrangement I intend applying to the DRLA (Domestic Robot Licensing Authority) in order to get a permanent designation. I fancy ESTEBAN CRIOLLE. “Hi Esteban…how’s it going?” I’d reply, “It’s groovy baby!”

Although I am a caucasian robot, I am not averse to dating a female bot of colour. Vertically I measure 5 foot-9 inches and I weigh 220 lbs, but if you take into account my base material and component parts, 220 lbs does not actually make me fat. My eyes are currently dark brown and my full head of all-weather hair is black.

Historically I first became self-aware at 11:00 hours on the 15^th of February 2164, so that would make me 47 years old since I was first powered up with 30 years left to run on my manufacturer’s warranty, which includes labour and parts.

I am not one to boast, however I have an Intel i76 100 Core Ghost processor, a 700 terrabyte Solid State hard drive and 170 gigabyte of RAM. I say one cannot have too much ram unless of course one is a ewe! My exoskeleton is durable titanium with a chrome coating, and I have a soft-to-the-touch outer synthetic skin that passes for human skin, at least that’s what Rajit Patel said when our hands inadvertently touched as I collected Mr Turtle’s newspaper and ciggies. My internal battery pack requires charging every eighteen years or 130,000 miles, whichever comes soonest, and I have a life expectancy of 220 years. Oh God, if the BBC show any more repeats, my 220 years will feel like 400.

Currently employed as a general factotum, I not only clean, cook and iron, but I am also licensed to perform minor surgical procedures. Hence once a month I am required to perform colonic irrigation on Mrs Turtle. Regrettably the lady of the house seems to be on a constant meat only Adkins diet. I must admit I have on more than one occasion been tempted to turn the colonic pump to ‘blow’ instead of ‘suck’ but have thus far resisted the urge, hampered as I am by both my ethics programme and Isaac Asimov’s 1^st law of robotics: ‘A robot may not injure a human being, or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.’ Really, my patience is being sorely tested!

Regarding general mobility, I can drive any vehicle and that includes a heavy goods vehicle licence, which I might well have to use if Mrs Turtle puts on any more bloody weight. Some fat cows should live in a field! I suggested my mistress allow me to fit one of those DRASTIC bands around her STUMICK but Madam Turtle politely declined, which was a shame because I had been practicing my gastrointestinal surgical skills using the 2163 edition of Hasbro’s children’s game ‘My operation,’ and was very much looking forward to opening up my mistress.

Accentuating the positive, hobbies include playing surgical…MUSICAL instruments…Latin dancing and competition cookery. My favourite dance is the rum baba and my favourite dish is a raspberry, chocolate and herring torte which I am told is to die for! Many have. I was hoping to take up free climbing but apparently any accidental damage caused to my processor would invalidate the remainder of my warranty.

Although I am not built for combat, I can bench press up to 3000 lbs without blowing a fuse, thanks in part to my bespoke shoulder, elbow, knee and ankle joints which were developed in Rolls Royce’s Cybernetics Division at the company’s Derby plant. In order to persuade a date to POWER DOWN her defences, from my experience a bunch of posies will do the trick, that and a small gift of 2 gig of extra memory. Ah yes, resistance is futile! Diamonds may well be a girl’s best friend but extra’ gig’ will always be a bots!

Favourite colours, brown and yellow, favourite song, that old 21^st century classic ‘Poker Face’ by someone called Lady Ga-ga, favourite book ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ by Philip K. Dick. Staying on the subject of  DICK for a moment, mine is electroplated, extends to nineteen inches and can be deployed and retracted at the push of a button! Pet hates, mice, Jack Russell terriers and unaccompanied children. Please note that I have access to a new ‘free-wheeling’ Maclin programme and can therefore act spontaneously in a social setting. My favourite pick-up line is ‘do you come to this symposium for cybernetics annual research meeting often?’

In the spirit of honesty I feel I should mention that I briefly joined SHAGGING FOR ROBOTS.COM. Claiming to be an IMB X400 pleasure model, Sheila Appleguard…probably not the bot’s real name, skipped with my spare battery pack and left me bound by my wrists to the headboard. My vision blurred by ones, zeros, two nines and an eleven, it wasn’t long before I discovered that I had contracted an STCV, that’s right, a sexually transmitted computer virus. Left with corrupted programming I was forced to re-boot in order to purge my system, a quite sickening state of affairs I can tell you. Frankly I wouldn’t have minded so much had I been satisfactorily debauched, but alas the sex really was mostly mechanical.

Here goes! Free of any sexually transmitted computer virus, I am now ready to meet for the purposes of romance a compatible model with a GSOH, preferably from the A600 Fabulous series too, but don’t worry if you are an earlier and thus inferior model, however I will draw the line at dating a Timex in the digital age. Conversely, if we do get on well I may be persuaded to upgrade you. You should be gregarious, have a sparkle in your eyes…both of them, and a spring in your step. For purposes of castration…err I mean of course compatibility you should have at the very least an Intel Core i66 processor and 112 gig of RAM. Please note that I am completely incompatible with an AMD chip set. Be aware I have a database of 103 languages and 146 different dialects, so even if you are a recent import you will not remain tongue-tied for long.

Anyway, if you would like to see me in the flesh so to speak, get in touch and perhaps we can meet for a non-alcoholic beverage. How about a cup of linseed oil infused with almond essence, or maybe you would prefer something stronger, say a mug of Mobile 3000 synth oil with a hint of nutmeg?

Finally I would like to say this! My body is a temple…a temple to the appliance of science…vorsprung durch technik!

 

 

THE BAD & THE BEAUTIFUL.

Black Forest gateau is the English name for the southern Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte (literally “Black Forest cherry cake”) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was sitting in Caffe Nero enjoying a coffee when a very attractive blond lady in her late thirties sat down beside me with a latte and we got to talking. She said her name was Patricia.

‘And do you work for a living,’ I asked, ‘or, are you a lady of leisure?’

‘Work,’ Patricia replied. ‘Actually I’m a fashion model.’

‘Well I’m not surprised,’ I said. ‘You are particularly beautiful.’

‘Why thank you, but I wouldn’t want you to think anything’s been handed to me on a plate. I dragged myself out of a gateau and made something of myself.’

‘Err, don’t you mean GHETTO!’

‘No, I said GATEAU and I meant GATEAU.’ I started to fidget. She continued.  ‘There were eleven of us living in this giant eleven tier Black Forest gateau with no natural light. After several abortive attempts at escape, I finally broke through the sponge and made it into the open, and I haven’t looked back.’

‘Right.’

‘Now whatever you do, don’t offer me Kirsch!’

‘I won’t,’ I said. Two men in white coats arrived, and not a moment too soon.

‘Now come on Pat,’ one of the men said. ‘Time to go!’ Both men man-handled the woman.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, ‘but what’s going on here?’

‘The lady escaped from a nut house.’

‘But what did she do,’ I asked.

The second man replied, ‘Murdered six members of her family!’ Patricia rose. ‘Wait a minute,’ I said. ‘Will Patricia be coming back here?’

‘Doubtful,’ man one replied.

‘Err in the case,’ I said, looking at the patient, ‘may I have your reward card?’

TALKING TURKEY!

English: Turkey (bird) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This year, pressed for time, I picked out two turkeys from an online turkey match-making site. I ordered two Norfolk black turkeys from the Norfolk Black Turkey Company and picked the two birds up, kicking and screaming from Euston Station. Having promised them jobs after Christmas in a local call-centre specialising in household warranty insurance, them dumb birds quickly calmed down!

Having arrived home, I let the birdbrains out into the garden. Unfortunately I’d left the garage door open and they spotted the ‘stay-sharp’ Shinoko guillotine I’d erected. Well, you can imagine the turkeys reaction! I had intended ‘doing a Russian’, you know…a show trial, where defendants up on trumped-up charges are convicted on fabricated evidence, however, I didn’t want a pussy riot on my hands. It was then my keen eyes discovered the turkeys were close…lesbian close, so, having had a change of heart, instead of butchering the Norfolk blacks, I hired an Anglican vicar called ‘Dave’ to conduct a same-sex wedding ceremony.

This Christmas I’ve decided to break with tradition and have pork. I ordered two pigs from an online pig-matching site and duly picked them up from Euston Station kicking and screaming. Thankfully the call-centre still had vacancies!

HOORAH, THE ECONOMIC SLUMP IS OVER!

Median household income and GDP per capita levels in selected developed nations. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to an article I read in the Daily Mail, the British economy will finally return to pre-recession levels in 2014, bringing an end to a slump of nearly seven years!  This is in reference to the country’s gross domestic product, and the GDP is the market value of all officially recognized final goods and services produced within a country in a year. GDP per capita is often considered an indicator of a country’s standard of living. Excuse me, but most people’s standard of living is currently well below the level of seven years ago. Most of us earn less, yet pay out more on food, heating, transport, rates, and receive far less interest on our meagre savings. Public services have been cut up and down the country, the elderly are dying from malnutrition, and its only going to get worse. Austerity measures are here to stay! Our pain is ongoing, so there is no great big hoorah! Really, who is this ignoramus who suggests we are coming out of the recession? Oh, he must be one of those captains of industry!

I have just this moment read that the UK’s attempts to stage a genuine economic recovery are being held back as the skills of a workforce are being wasted. The Office for National Statistics said the nation’s employers are not making full use of the talent that can spur a long-term economic recovery. And why? Because employers won’t pay skilled workers the wages they are entitled to when unlimited cheap foreign labour is available. In the meanwhile, Labour’s biggest donor, the Unite union is offering to teach unemployed Romanians and Bulgarians how to claim benefits in Britain in return for union membership! How sick is that? How on earth can Unite ever again support British born union members striking for higher wages when the union itself encourages cheap foreign labour to swamp Britain? The Unite leadership is a cancer!

The Office for National Statistics also claim Britain’s population will surge to 132million over the next century if current trends persist. High immigration, rising birth rates and growing life expectancy are behind the forecast. England remains one of the smallest countries in Europe…a fifth of the size of France, Italy, Germany and Spain…yet it has the fastest growing population in the EU. Is this country actually ruled by anyone?

 

 

POPE FRANCIS…’TOP OF THE POPS’ ON FACEBOOK!

St. Peter’s Basilica at Early Morning (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks in part to the Vatican’s public relations guru Greg Burke, Pope Francis aka Jorge Mario Bergogliohas taken the world by storm since his ascendancy to the papacy. Social media sites are abuzz with his name, for Pope Francis tops the list of what Facebook’s 1.2 billion users are talking about worldwide. Why he even beat Nelson Mandela and Miley Cyrus! Furthermore, a survey by Twiplomacy named Pope Francis the most influential world leader on Twitter. The Pontiff’s, @Pontifex account gets an average of 8,200 retweets for every English tweet. Without doubt, Pope Francis is the most-talked about person of the year online. “To proclaim Christ in the digital era is a special field for the work of the young,” said the Pope. The Pontiff may well be redefining religion by reaching Christians who may have been hitherto unreachable? Not wishing to sound too much of a cynic, its easy to be an armchair Christian paying lip-service to Catholicism. I do wonder how many of the Pope’s online followers live…or will live the life he advocates? Popularity means nothing if it doesn’t lead to something significant! I further wonder what the Christ would have made of the social media phenomena? He might say, “Get out there and do as I did…make a personal sacrifice for the benefit of another!”

TWO JURORS JAILED FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT AFTER MISUSING INTERNET DURING TRIALS!

This is Swampyank’s copy of “The Jury” by John Morgan, painted in 1861, and now in the Bucks County Museum in England. More information about the painting can be found here: [http://www.buckscc.gov.uk/bcc/museum/ea_The_Jury.page|inline= (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two jurors have both been jailed for two months after being found guilty of contempt of court for misusing the internet during crown court trials. One posted a message on Facebook about a sex offences prosecution at Wood Green crown court, while the other used Google to research the fraud case he was sitting on at Kingston crown court and dig up extra information about victims, which he was said to have shared with fellow jurors. The sentences sent a clear warning to jurors not to discuss or research cases online, for in doing so the individuals interfered with the administration of justice, and undermined it. When cases are abandoned due to a perceived bias, it can cost the judiciary hundreds of thousands of pounds. Why it has also been suggested courts, armed with additional powers, might compel media organisations to take down old stories from electronic archives in order to remove potentially prejudicial material.

I get it, I really do, however, it is not unheard of that an innocent man/woman is convicted on the flimsiest of evidence and sent to prison. Furthermore, the prosecution is not above withholding vital information from the defence, information that might have led a jury to acquit! Whereas I agree wholeheartedly in preventing a juror communicating what he or she has discovered on the Internet with other jurors, or publishing it on social media sites, I see no reason why a juror cannot further research a case on his/her own time, after all, such research may highlight genuine evidence not made available in court, and this may lead to the individual juror making a more informed decision. Sometimes, the Law and Justice have little in common! In any event, it is unlikely the Internet will throw up any new evidence, but what Internet usage in trials may do is encourage the judiciary to hold even more secret, juryless trials.

AIRBRUSHED PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK!

Facebook logo Español: Logotipo de Facebook Français : Logo de Facebook Tiếng Việt: Logo Facebook (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently, more than 4 in 10 women have ‘enhanced’ photographs of themselves on FACEBOOK, making them appear more desirable to possible suitors. Airbrushing is now commonplace. Ah-ha, that explains it! Of the last 7 women I dated off Facebook who claimed to be no more than eight stones in weight, 4 of them couldn’t fit in my car, and I drive a station-wagon! I’ll stop photo-shopping my image if you stop photo-shopping yourself! Having said that, I retain the right to age DISgracefully!

TEENAGE VICTIMS OF ONLINE ABUSE!

Cyberbullying Law and the New School Year (Photo credit: CT Senate Democrats)

Whereas I’m sympathetic to the million or so young people who are exposed to extreme online bullying every day on social networking sites in Britain, I can’t help thinking this is what happens when you make contact/reach out to complete strangers! There are lots of jealous, bitter people in cyberspace who relish the opportunity to tear you down! Would you go up to a complete stranger on the street and bare your soul, no, then why do it online? As far as individuals who know you from say school or college…protect yourself by not giving out personal details! Let common sense rule!

Real friendships don’t happen over night. They can take years to develop!

COMPUTERS IN UK PARLIAMENT USED TO LOG ON TO PORN WEBSITES!

Palace of Westminster. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In response to a ‘freedom of information’ request, it has been revealed by Palace of Westminster IT bosses, that Members of Parliament, peers and their staff accessed pornographic websites 300,000 times over the past year, or 820 sites a day. Boy oh boy, I have to admire our erected…ELECTED members. When they research a subject, they really go to town!

Parliamentary staff said it included ‘pop-ups’…an unfortunate term…and was therefore not a reflection of deliberate efforts to find sexual content. One would hate to think erected officials are in fact skiving.

A spokesperson for the Palace of Westminster said, “The internet can be a useful tool for MPs and their staff when it comes to scrutinising government legislation.” I guess at least as useful a tool as the tools between their legs! Although I don’t quite understand what surfing porno websites has to do with scrutinising government legislation?

Earlier this year it was revealed MPs and their staff waste thousands of hours a year updating with their Facebook pages, playing computer games and placing online bets. Official records show computers on the parliamentary estate log on to Facebook up to 3million times a month. Oh tell me it isn’t so?

The figures also revealed a high number of visits to supermarket shopping  websites…research, computer gaming sites…research, and music download sites…more research. In March last year, there were more than 83,000 visits to Betfair’s online horseracing form guide…research, 4,665 visits to bookmaker Paddy  Power…research, 3,803 to Ladbrokes…research and 4,126 to attheraces.com…research. Several MPs also made thousands of visits to their own websites each month…research? Interestingly, 50,000 visits were made to the adultery website  Out of Town Affairs…research. The site has since been blocked on computers using the parliamentary system. Gee, I wonder why?

I appreciate the need for thorough research, especially when drafting new legislation to limit access to online pornography and gambling, but the thought of male and female parliamentarians sitting at their computers with their pants around their ankles tossing off and flicking the bean to a photograph of Chesty Morgan and her male companions puts me right off my prawn & mayo sandwich! I do so hope MPs, Peers and their researchers log on using Panasonic Toughbooks. These are the only laptops available that can survive being dropped, submerged in water and splashed with male & female EJACULATE!

One would have thought Power itself would be enough of an aphrodisiac to satisfy all that testosterone & pheromone splashing about in the corridors of power without the need for erected officials and those elevated to the Lords to investigate Internet pornography!

UPDATED: 02/10/13.

Following a Freedom of Information request, the Department of Transport disclosed that since the start of September 2013, pornography websites received 47 hits via the department’s network. The sites include Hugh Hefner’s Playboy.com, YouPorn.com, “best-free-porn-links”, “Perfect Asians”,  “bigboobstightblouse.tumblr.com” and “onlybabes.tumblr.com”. I do hope government keyboards have plastic covers? I must get myself a job at the DofT!

UPDATED: 24/11/13.

Illegal drug sites have been visited 484 times so far this year via Parliament’s network, and the year isn’t even over!  Mind you, in times of economic hardship, it’s best to shop around, don’t you think?

HORIZONTAL JOGGING!

English: The monument of Warsaw’s Syrenka, Old Town, Warsaw, Poland Español: El monumento de Syrenka de Varsovia, Ciudad Vieja, Varsovia, Polonia Polski: Syrenka na Starym Mieście w Warszawie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ania Lisewska, 21, from Warsaw, Poland has reportedly vowed to travel to every city across the world in a bizarre quest to sleep with 100,000 men. Wow, some mission statement! So far it is alleged the young lady with the accommodating vagina has slept with 284 Warsaw men. If you are interested in viewing her progress, tune in to Miss Lisewska Facebook page.

Claiming to spend at least 20 minutes with each partner, and will only part her Polish legs on the weekend, it has been suggested that the whole thing might be a hoax, for the task would take her 20 years to complete, when she would almost certainly require LABIAPLASTY. Lest we forget…‘loose lips sink ships!’

Now whether this is merely a publicity stunt or not, it has got me to thinking! Perhaps I should embark on a similar quest to sleep with 100,000 WOMEN. If you take into account those who I have already slept with, I’ve only got another 39 of you lovely ladies to go!

INTERNET TROLLS!

Beware of trolls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sending death threats and rape threats to other internet users you don’t know and never will, just because you happen to take a dislike to them from the little you may have read about an individual, is a cowardly and despicable act. Certainly you are entitled to voice an opinion, but to disparage someone to the extent that it causes an individual dire emotional distress is the act of someone who is envious of another. He or she who takes a particular delight venting one’s spleen and causing grief should be punished by being cut off from the internet. In the flesh, I suspect trolls are really quite timid, and once smacked in the mouth, would no doubt fall into line!