PAMPLONA BULL RUN…SORRY, NOT FOR ME!

Sanfermines Vaquillas in Pamplona, Spain.

Sanfermines Vaquillas in Pamplona, Spain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every year men and women from all over the world descend on Pamplona in July in order to dare bulls in Hermes bandanas to chase them. I understand tradition, but not the motivation behind risking one’s life over a dare! Caught, at the very least one might be disfigured for life. Now there seems to be another tradition…’gender’ violence! Women are having their clothes torn off and are being groped in public. Those Spanish bulls are really anti-social!

I wouldn’t dream of running ahead of the bulls. WADDLING down the road with a latte in one hand and a croissant in the other, even a one-eyed, three legged bull wouldn’t have much difficulty HORNING its way into my affections! The thought of having one or more testicles ‘ripped’ off before I’ve had the opportunity to extend my family tree fills me with utter terror! On a serious note, since 2000, 74 people have died in bull runs across Spain. This year 12 perished. You can’t protect people from their own foolishness!

NATIONAL ORGASM DAY!

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently Friday 31st July was NATIONAL ORGASM DAY! I really do wish somebody would have warned me. Honestly, there was nothing in my post to draw it to my attention. No one invited me to a LOVE-IN, nor did a lone stranger shove her hand down my pants. As it happened, I spent most of Friday on the road. Having witnessed some really strange, some might say, weird manoeuvres by other road users, frankly I should have guessed it was National Orgasm Day.

There are so many commemorative days throughout the world, N.O. Day seems a bloody good idea! However, some women take SO LONG to ‘ARRIVE’ at a cataclysmic orgasm, I do wonder whether one whole day is actually long enough? I suspect many female orgasms SPILLED over into the 1st of August! Err, thinking about it, the quickest orgasm I witnesses was when I took an ex-girlfriend shopping for a pendant! I suspect JEWELLERY orgasms don’t count! Anyway, God bless to all of you who came. I hope it was worth taking the whole day off work!

PHONE ME…WE’LL DO SEX!

English: Arianna Huffington attending the prem...

English: Arianna Huffington attending the premiere of The Union at the 2011 Tribeca Film Festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to the results of research commissioned by the Huffington Post and online magazine Real Simple, nearly half of all women would rather go a month with no sex than be without their phones for the same amount of time. But surely, with the facilities now available on smartphones, women needn’t go without either? According to an ex-girlfriend of mine, “If a woman can’t bring herself to orgasm using her vibraphone, then her vagina should be on life support!” Yes, that’s right…I was indeed replaced by technology, and I’m sure it won’t be the last time. We should all know our limitations, and I certainly know mine. Denise complained I made love like an android, so she went straight out and bought a smartphone with an Android operating system. How fair was that?

PENSIONERS WITH CRIMINAL COMVICTIONS!

zimmer frame

The number of old-age pensioners receiving criminal convictions for things like assault, affray, drug dealing and poaching is on the rise. Well I’m not bloody surprised! With advances in medical science we now live much longer than we did fifty years ago. The elderly are probably BORED! I myself witnessed a gang of 30 pensioners using CUSTOMISED Zimmer frames to shove people out-of-the-way whilst rampaging through my town at 2 miles per hour emptying colostomy bags over parked cars, including mine. I wasn’t bothered, it needed washing anyway. With thousands upon thousands of individuals in the UK now aged 100+, has no one thought to promote a regular disco night for the over 99s? Zimmer frame line dancing could be the next big thing!

BRITAIN’S CULTURE OF REWARDING FAILURE!

Failure_Freeway

Failure_Freeway (Photo credit: StormKatt)

Why do we have this culture of rewarding failure? How many chief executives must be paid off with hundreds of thousands of pounds for failing in their duties before the rules are changed? It’s not just in banks, but across the board! You would think no one else would want to employ these failure, as indeed would I, but how wrong we would be! Most of the CEOs are quickly re-employed in similarly high-profile positions, and often in industries they are unfamiliar with. Where is the motivation to succeed when one is almost equally rewarded for failure? Okay, two failures and you’re probably unemployable, but by that time you will have accrued millions in severance and pensions. Contracts should be performance-related only, and unrelated to making redundancies! It is said you can learn more from a failure than a success. This maybe so, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of shareholders or employees. With so much at stake in a fragile economy, it should be ‘one strike and you’re out!’

Case in point, UK Passport Office chief Paul Pugh has been nominated for a ‘Leader of the Year’ award, the ceremony to take place tonight at the prestigious Landmark Hotel in central London. Okay, the nomination was made months ago, however, bearing in mind there is a backlog of 500,000 passport applications to get through, shouldn’t someone have withdrawn Mr Pugh’s nomination for an award he clearly doesn’t deserve in light of the passport fiasco?

ARE YOU SAVING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT?

English: Nationwide Building Society, Market S...

English: Nationwide Building Society, Market Street, Downpatrick, County Down, Northern Ireland, February 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But why is that news? Most of us are living through a financial debacle that has never been witnesses before. Capitalism has failed miserably! With the cost of living in the West sky-high (rent, mortgage, insurances, utilities, transport, food) who has any disposable income to put away for either a rainy day or for retirement? Furthermore, if you can afford to put anything aside, where are you going to put it? Banks and building societies in the UK are offering an average of 2% pa (in non-risk accounts)…not enough to even keep pace with inflation! With banks now advertising a ‘SALE’ on money, money has become to some extent WORTHLESS, and that’s what happens when your Government keep printing it!

BODY IMAGE AND SELF-LOATHING!

Celebrities

Celebrities (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Millions of people of both sexes and of all ages are caught up in this trend of mimicking celebrity bodies. Oh how slim, toned and sexy your favourite celebrities appear, but self-denial makes for an unhappy celeb. Holed up in a mansion, unable to eat normally for the camera sees all, is it any wonder that your hero or heroine turn to drink and drugs? They are unhappy people! Why do you want to be unhappy too? Personally, I don’t suffer that problem of wishing to look like a favourite celeb. When I stare at my naked reflection in my mirror I see a muscular Greek God. That MAGIC mirror cost be nearly twenty thousand pounds! So its off to the pub for me, where I expect to gorge on double pie & chips and eleven pints of lager. Yes siree, invest in a little bit of magic and your life can be so, so sweet! But seriously, it is unhealthy to wish you looked like someone else. Best to be kind to yourself. Move on, accept yourself for who you are. Experts in the field of nutrition indicate that moderation is the key to maintaining a balanced lifestyle. I disagree! A lifetime of moderation is dead boring. You can occasionally let yourself go as long as you realise you will one day pay for an excess. Now we naturally move on to the question I often ask myself. What is the purpose of LIFE? I like to think that the purpose of life is to along the way accumulate as many pleasant memories as possible to take with you on your journey to the other side, if indeed there is another side, but hell, what do I know? The truth is, I haven’t figured life out yet, and I don’t suppose I ever will. I’ve spent the last twenty-five years sitting at first a typewriter, then a word processor and finally a computer writing what I believe to be wonderful novels that no one else wants to read. I’m going to sign off now. I feel I’m blathering on too long. Goodnight and God bless!

I AM PROUD TO CALL MYSELF AN ‘IN-HUMAN’ RIGHTS CAMPAIGNER!

English: One of the symbols of German Women's ...

English: One of the symbols of German Women’s movement (from the 1970s) Deutsch: Ein Logo der deutschen Frauenbewegung (aus den 70er Jahren) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, that’s right, I AM an IN-HUMAN rights campaigner. Pillory me if you must, vilify me, demonize me even, but I’m quite sick to death of hearing about women’s rights, rights for children, the disabled, gay men and gay women. What about the rights of zombies to roam where they wish to and eat whosoever they want to, eh? What of the rights of soul-stealing demons? Isn’t POSSESSION considered nine-tenths of the law? What about the rights of phantoms and poltergeists to scare the living chap out of you and your love ones? I mean it’s no fun roaming the Earth as dead flesh or a spirit if you can’t practice what comes naturally…to…hey, what was that noise…MUMMY! Mummies too! You try spending eternity all bandaged up and with nowhere to go?

CRIME DOESN’T PAY. OH REALLY?

Panamanian motor vessel Gatun during the large...

Panamanian motor vessel Gatun during the largest drug bust in United States Coast Guard history (20 tons of cocaine) off the Coast of Panama (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh if only that was so, but unfortunately crime has always paid, and handsomely. Have you ever heard of The Motion Picture Production Code of 1930, otherwise known as the Hays Code?  All US movie production companies had to adhere to the following standard of excellence, or else.

  • No sympathy must be shown for the crime.
  • No crime, for example, theft or safe-cracking should be detailed in method.
  • Illegal drug trafficking must never be presented.

I’m guessing that crime movies traditionally make the most profits, not westerns, not rom-coms, not sci-fi. Perhaps many of us secretly want to ‘get away with it’ and live above the law. Perhaps some of us find crime seductive, dare I say sexy? (A much overused word). You doubt me, then why is ‘The Godfather’ consistently voted as the greatest movie ever made? Personally I prefer ‘Carlito’s Way.’ It has been suggested that without the introduction of Prohibition in 1929 the American Mafia would not have flourished so.

According to The United Nations Office on Drugs & Crime (UNODC) and The International Monetary Fund (IMF), estimated profits from ILLEGAL DRUG TRAFFICKING worldwide is anywhere between  $411/600 billion. According to Global Initiative to Fight Human Trafficking (UN.GIFT) the TRAFFICKING IN HUMAN BEINGS is worth $32 billion plus to the traffickers. More than 2.5 million people have been trafficked from 127 countries, exploited in  137 countries. (Forced commercial sexual exploitation and forced economic exploitation.) ARMS TRAFFICKING, $60 billion plus a hell of a lot more me thinks. CYBER CRIME, $114 billion. Etcetera, etcetera! From every purse snatched, to every car stolen, to every pill pushed, to every gun sold, to…blah, blah, blah! World crime in total is worth over $3 TRILLION per year. Do bear in mind that the worldwide GDP is $63 trillion per year. Naturally figures vary dramatically depending upon where you get them from, and do bear in mind, criminals are hardly likely to reveal their true profits. So the above figure could in theory be an under-estimation.

Hey, wait a minute, if all this information is readily available to you on the Internet, why am I bothering to repeat it, after all, I am neither a criminal, a lawyer or a crusader? What is my interest? Do I have an axe to grind? Hey, I am a citizen of the world, and it simply appals me how in certain quarters human life is held in such low esteem. It is indeed a sad state of affairs that in some countries the only growth industry IS crime. Of course some people are brought  up in the ‘Industry’ and many merely drift into it as a way to earn a quick buck, or as their only means to put food on the table. It surprised me to learn that the heroin producing warlords on the boarders of Afghanistan/Pakistan have consistently produced more product since the Western invasion than before the invasion. Would someone care to explain that to me?

I believe Cancun is lovely this time of year, but what about Mexican border towns of Tijuana, Juarez and Chihuahua. I am led to believe they are hell holes, controlled by Mexican drug cartels. Apparently thousands of people have been murdered and in most horrific manners, including several public officials. Nothing’s changed in forty years. If the Mexican Government doesn’t have the will to take on the cartels, then why doesn’t it give CARTE BLANCHE to either the United Nations or the US Government to finally wipe our those diseased inhuman beings who prey on their own people. The Americans operate covertly, and with some success, but only some success. Operate overtly, send in The Fifth Cavalry! Could it be that too many people are wetting their beaks on drug profits?

Crime has been around since the dawn of time. Indeed many fortunes were made, and are BEING MADE by spilling the blood of innocent men, women and children. I understand that one of the easiest ways to clean dirty, filthy money is to buy control of an English Premier soccer team. Crime flourishes because most people can be corrupted. I wonder what your price is? I wonder what my price is? I hope to God that no one ever tests me!

In conclusion I fear that crime is so interwoven into the fabric of society that criminal empires cannot be dismantled, or if they can be, then there simply isn’t the will to do it. What is it that they say? ‘Power corrupts;  absolute power corrupts absolutely!’ (Attributed to John Emerich Acton, the first Lord Action). How true.  What about Lord Robert Baden-Powell’s  ‘Softly, Softly Catchee Monkey.’ (Don’t flurry, patience gains the day!’) That practice doesn’t seem to work.

What Western Governments don’t want to tell you is that some of the profits of crime end supporting legitimate businesses, and I’m not talking about Mr Morris’s corner shop. I make reference to publicly quoted Companies. That’s right, dirty money may well be helping to prop up our failed economies. Remember, the larger the criminal empire, the greater the veneer of legitimacy. And I suppose we should bear in mind that CRIME is a huge employer.

If you are wondering whether to take to crime, perhaps this French proverb might assist; ‘THERE IS NO PILLOW AS SOFT AS A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.’

I thought long and hard before posting this blog. I am not at all convinced there is any merit in my scribblings. Perhaps it would be better if we were all to live in the dark! Comments are welcomed.

SEX SANDWICH!

Mange tout

Mange tout (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I met old friend Gordon the other day. Although he’s only supposed to be 36, he appeared ancient. “What’s up,” I said. “Gordy, you look like you’ve been over doing things. Has someone been burning the candle at both ends?”

“David, you could say that. I’ve err kinda got myself involved in a sex sandwich!”

“A sex sandwich you say? And would that be with two women or one of each?”

“Fuck off! It’s two women!”

“And this manage-a-trois…is it…”

Mange tout!”

“Excuse me Gordy,” I said, but I think you’ll find you’re part of a manage-a-trois!”

“Bollocks David,” Gordy replied. “I know what I’m involved in, and it’s definitely a mange tout!”

“But translated, ‘mange tout’ mean eat all!”

“Exactly!”

NEARLY 1% OF WOMEN BELIEVE THEY’VE HAD A VIRGIN BIRTH!

University of North Carolina at Asheville

University of North Carolina at Asheville (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now that really is virgin on the ridiculous!

Researchers from the University of North Carolina interviewed 7,870 women aged 15 to 28 and found that more than 0.5 per cent of them who said they were virgins had also given birth, and without resorting to IVF. The women were part of the long-running National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health.

The girls were 12 to 18 years old when they entered the study in the 1994-95 school year and were interviewed periodically about their health and social/sexual behaviour over 14 years. Based on interviews with the women, 45 of the  5,340 pregnancies in this group through the years occurred in women who reported that they conceived without a man being involved. The average age at which ‘virgins’ reportedly gave birth was 19.3 years.

Now I don’t want to appear in any way sexist, but since we must all realise virgin births cannot take place, is it at all possible that the women involved in the study who claim to have had experienced immaculate conceptions had in fact consumed more than the recommended amount of alcohol and forgotten that they had slept with someone? Or perhaps the sex was so unremarkable the women merely expunged the events from their minds?

Updated: 19/01/14.

The 31-year-old nun who lives at the ‘Little Disciples of Jesus’ convent near the Italian city of Rieti was rushed to hospital after complaining of severe stomach pains. She gave birth to a baby boy and claims she was ‘unaware’ she was pregnant. So, acute labour pains were followed by a cute baby who is to be called Francesco. Will this be yet another immaculate conception, we will wait and see!

 

Please…no hate mail!

SCIENTISTS FIND THE GENE THAT MAKES WOMEN FAT!

English: Structure of the MMP2 protein. Based ...

English: Structure of the MMP2 protein. Based on PyMOL rendering of PDB 1ck7. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Researchers at Maastricht University claim to have found the rogue gene (MMP2) that makes women pile on the pounds. GARBAGE! I’ll tell you want the route cause is that makes women pile on the pounds. Its men like me who disappoint them!

‘MASTURBATION & PUBIC HAIR’…ARE MODERN WOMEN BECOMING TOO ANAL?

Photomicrograph of Pubic Hair Medulla

Photomicrograph of Pubic Hair Medulla (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Women still feel there is a taboo about masturbation…oh not doing it, but talking about it openly, and particularly in mixed company. Apparently, discussing it is still a bit of a male preserve. Perhaps that’s got something to do with male machismo. We like women to appear feminine! Anyway, why the insistence on discussing simply everything? Has this something to do with the phenomena of social media. Once upon a time it was considered bad taste to wash your dirty linen in public. Now you can do it almost anonymously! Even Channel 4s getting in on the act! There is a new TV prog called ‘SEX BOX’ fronted by a well-respected broadcaster in which couples make love privately in ‘a box’, after which they are expected to discuss their ‘feelings & emotions’ on air!

And then there isProject Bush! Women to have been ‘invited’ to have their pubic hair photographed by celebrity photographer Alisa Connan next Thursday as an expression of ‘modern feminism’. The resulting ‘exhibition’, at Mother London, in Redchurch Street, purports to “address the state of feminism in 2013”. Billed as “a call to action for women to stand up to the pressures of modern society and present their bushes in all their glory” whether they be shorn or unkempt. This presumably is a protest against how men in society expect their women to appear? Well all of us are guilty of stereotyping, are we not?

There was Armpits4August and there is even a Facebook group “Women Against Non-essential Grooming (WANG). What a load of BOLLOCKS! Surely there are more important things for some women to fill their heads with? If you don’t wish to succumb to the pressures of grooming, then don’t! Wax on…wax off, that’s your business, but don’t build it as a campaign. Its ridiculous! But isn’t this about extreme feminism…squeezing every last right out of society that you possibly can? Some hate-filled women’s groups won’t be satisfied until they have totally emasculated the male of the species, and when they have succeeded, we men will no doubt spend the next 100 years fighting to get our rights returned to us! Grow up…be honest! At the end of the day, adoration is in the eye of the beholder! I don’t care whether the women I date are shorn or whether they are in the possession of a militant muff…neither is a deal-breaker, for if I can’t worship you, I won’t date you! Only a fool or a man-hater thinks pubic hair has anything to do with emancipation! It is after all Nature that is responsible for any sexual divide, not us men! Furthermore, according to a new study, over 70% of  men admit to trimming their body hair, while 41% per cent admit it’s a labour of love to please their other half!

Normal, right thinking, sane, reasonable individuals worry about money, food, child welfare, personal safety, love, old age and death. They don’t concern themselves with pubic hair! Is ‘get a life’ too harsh a suggestion?

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT IS STILL SLIPPING ITS FINGERS DOWN THE BACK OF THE SOFA…

Sir Robert Peel, twice Prime Minister of the U...

Sir Robert Peel, twice Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and founder of the Conservative Party. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

in order to save PENNIES! The Works & Pensions Secretary Mr Ian Duncan Smith, on behalf of The Conservative Government is now URGING well-off pensioners to give up their free travel passes, free TV licences and winter fuel allowances. Why should they? Pensioners have been paying taxes all their lives! They are entitled to travel for free and to watch television for free. Anyway, what constitutes a well-off pensioner? Is it someone who has a £700,000 home with £20,000 in the bank, or someone who has a £200,000 home with £100,000 in the bank? And we all know what comes after the URGING campaign, don’t we! Are responsible people who have saved all their lives to be penalized?

I expect pensioners will soon be URGED to hand back their false teeth and NHS glasses. I get the feeling that our DEMOCRATICALLY elected Government seriously objects to the elderly living one day past their official retirement.

The present Government certainly knows how to alienate millions of pensioners. Wait until the next general election!

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?

Models on the catwalk

Models on the catwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My girlfriend and I were dressing to go out to dinner. Samantha turned to me and said, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ I took a deep breath. What I wanted to say was, ‘Darling, I can’t tell. Move the chuck wagon out of the way to give me a better view!’ But of course I wanted to get laid later, so instead I replied, ‘Darling, you’ve got the backside of a catwalk model!’ Who says that all men think with their c**ks!